Men get slumps in sexual desire too…
A subtle alchemy, love has to balance the wishes, fantasies and desires of both partners in a relationship. But over time, the “magic” can disappear without warning. So what can you do if your sexual relationship is in a slump? Here are some of the secrets to getting back to a harmonious sex life.
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The first piece of advice is to not panic – a slump in sexual desire is quite common and is often a temporary problem that can disappear as quickly as it appears. There’s no need to overreact thinking that your relationship is over and that you need to move on.
Take some time out and put things into perspective. Don’t go rushing off for counselling or to the psychologist either; you'll have all the time to do so if the situation doesn't improve within a few months.
Stress is a huge enemy for men’s sexual desire
Ask yourself a few questions, as your current life circumstances could be the cause of a lack of desire. The daily and repetitive stress caused by all sorts of problems is your first enemy.
- Is there anything worrying you at the moment?
- Do you have health problems, work issues or financial difficulties?
- Have you recently moved house?
- Do you have family problems with your partner, children or parents?
If you are overworked, underpaid, having health issues, family woes or financial pressure, then it is perfectly normal that your attention is somewhat removed from your sexual needs and wants. Sometimes we need to concentrate on fixing the cause (a particular issue that's causing undue or ongoing stress) and then the lack of sexual desire rights itself.
You should also try to assess how you are reacting to this lack of desire. For many men, a slump in libido can feel like a direct attack on their manhood, while for others, low libido can make them question their relationship.
How manly you are is not measured by how many times you have sex and sexual desire should in no way sum up the quality of a relationship. Love, affection, respect, self-esteem and admiration are important ingredients in the mysterious alchemy of all loving relationships and a blip on the sexual radar should not override all of this.
Men and women do not live with desire in the same way
There have been many extensive studies on desire and sexuality. They reveal that women claim to have sexual desire inhibition issues more often than men, but they rarely complain about them. For a woman, sex can more easily take a back seat and they adapt easier than men to libido related problems. Women are often able to find satisfaction in other parts of their lives and naturally transfer their sensuality and pleasure into their relationship with their children.
Men do not seem to function in the same way, with regular sex with their partner, or other possible sexual conquests and fantasies generally being the focal points of desire and libido for them.
Time and space to rekindle desire
You need time in your daily life to have the chance to feel desire. Desire will definitely take a back seat if you get home from work with your head full of worries and then start rushing about to get all the household chores done, or the kids seen to. Being glued to the telly or computer screen is also not really conducive to a gradual build-up of sexual desire.
For sexual desire to get a look in, you need to find time just the two of you alone – an evening meal or even a week away just the two of you. Both partners being ‘available’ in a relationship often helps to rekindle that flame and if you are having problems you need the time, space and calm mood to be able to discuss it.
When a couple gets on well, gentle physical contact such as regular massage for example, can re-boost sex drive. This non-sexual practise helps to explore each other’s bodies in a different way and rebuild physical closeness. Massage can help to stimulate or discover a less-developed, less 'performance-based' form of sexual sensuality.
Getting help if it's needed
If none of this manages to awaken your libido, you can of course get professional help and should not be shy about doing this. Consulting a sexologist, either alone or together, can be of help and relationship counsellors are often very useful if the couple has communication issues.
In any case, you do need to keep in mind that sexual desire in relationships does generally diminish with time. However, not all couples are the same and some see their desire last for a long time, others find it fades out more quickly.
So perhaps the key is knowing how to keep desire alive, and that will always take time and attention…
Copyright © 2009 Doctissimo
Posted 09.03.2011
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