False ideas about foreplay

Foreplay – the fun and frolic meant to sexually arouse before actual intercourse – remains the objet of rumour and disagreement. Esteemed by some, rushed by others... considered essential if you read the books, seen as boring by more than a few, foreplay definitely deserves a bit of our time and attention.

According to any self-respecting sex manual, foreplay is supposed to prepare both partners’ bodies and minds… But while it is fantasised about by some, it is be dreaded by others.

Some people’s preconceptions (and sex manual instructions) make foreplay more a have-to-do than a nice-to-do, in the belief that it is an obligatory and codified step on the way to female sexual pleasure.  Let’s take a closer look at some of the false ideas floating around about foreplay.

1. Foreplay takes place before the “act”

Not necessarily! In a highly formatted view of sexuality, foreplay takes place before penetration, with the idea being that both partners reach orgasm during penetration. “Trying to fit into the concept of sex as a well-oiled machine, in an ideal relationship where it takes place according to the stereotypes," says Dr. Ghislaine Paris, “is almost impossible...” Simply because this highly standardised view rarely has anything to do with orgasm and each individual’s sexual desire. In a more creative view of sexuality, a ‘quickie’ fuelled by burning desire can be just as fun, with that famous "foreplay" happening "after the act", as a way to prolong the moment.

“One of my favourite moments of sex is the after. When he holds me in his arms, gently stroking me and giving me very deep and meaningful kisses,” says Jenny.

2. Foreplay is always physical!

Not always! Foreplay is not all about letting your hands do the talking! For some people, loving whispers or more smutty insinuations also constitute foreplay.  Putting desire or pleasure into words can have an incredible effect for some people, more than we may imagine.   

“Some women like to put into words what they plan to do under the sheets to hot things up,” says Canadian singer Brigitte Martel. This type of foreplay isn’t as innocent as it seems and has the advantage of touching upon several levels. Firstly, by stimulating the neurones... Secondly, by playing to a man’s emotional brain, his virility.

However, the almost pornographic language that some men may use doesn’t go down so well with many women. Rather than explicit talk, women often lean towards sensory eroticism through words, preferring to handle the vocab and tempo themselves.  Although crude language can play a role in arousal, most women would prefer inspiration from erotic literature, softly whispered into the ear.

“For me, foreplay starts with how he prepares himself for me – how he looks and smells! That he takes a shower, puts on some nice cologne and has some chic looking underwear that I can then help him out of…” explains Emma.

3. Knowledge of erogenous zones is the key to good foreplay

It definitely helps! Knowing the rules of the game is undoubtedly an additional advantage when aiming to turn somebody on. In practise, knowledge of the best-known erogenous zones in men and women is a good step forward.  There may be some ‘key’ things to do to help turn your partner on, but love and eroticism gain equally from spontaneity and letting go, and that’s when two people really get to know each other intimately. Foreplay is also a chance to discover new, less well-known erogenous zones, which can be quite an individual and personal thing.

“He can touch just about any part of me he wants to – what is important to me is how he touches and how long it lasts. Never-ending rote-kind of fondling of my breasts just annoys me, but a fleeting sensual caress to my hip and a smouldering look can send me over the edge,” says Sandra.

4. Men don’t like foreplay

Not true! And it shouldn’t be considered in such terms. Male sexuality is essentially based on erection, as we know. “A man’s penis can be considered a bridge of love leading to his partner," poetically explains former adult film star Brigitte Lahaie. This can put a man in quite a fragile dilemma. Launching into foreplay when his body is urging for penetration is not a simple task. All the more when he isn’t sure that his erection will last, or return when the time is right... A man risks losing his erection at any moment... something which women may not realise. So he puts on the macho act and brushes aside foreplay, more often than not to reassure himself and hide his concerns.

“Men’s orgasm works differently and once we are ready, which doesn’t take always take that much, well, we are just ready to go. Foreplay turns me on so much that I am stressed that I’m not going to make it to the finish line, so to speak,” says Jon.

5. The longer and gentler the foreplay, the better it is

Not true! Foreplay can be considered a slow, gentle process by some, with the idea that the main function is to bring the woman to the same level of arousal as her male partner. But that’s not necessarily the case... As Dr. Esther Perel puts it, the primary function of foreplay is to bring an erotic angle to a relationship. As such, foreplay can take on many forms. "Playing on power/authority dynamics within a relationships can be very arousing,” suggests Dr. Perel. If you haven’t already, why not try some foreplay games using feather handcuffs or satin blindfolds to create arousal before moving onto more serious things...

“Guys should stop reading the books about foreplay. Quality, not quantity is what really matters. I can be ready to go in two minutes when he is sincere and focused about turning me on, but it can be so boring if he just goes through the regular foreplay motions as if it were a chore,” explains Mandy.

Catherine Maillard, Jane Banham

Copyright © 2011 Doctissimo

Posted 18.04.2011

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