Understanding more about erotic fantasies
So, should you tell your partner about your fantasies? Should you even be indulging in erotic fantasies? Doctissimo answers all your questions.
1. What is an erotic fantasy?
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An erotic fantasy is a product of the imagination that arouses a sexual emotion. Fantasies are often summed up as erotic scenes, seen or imagined, which we enjoy replaying in our heads. But a fantasy can also be an idea, an impression or a feeling. Fantasies are not only sexual; they can be about any topic that awakens human desire and pleasure.
2. Where do erotic fantasies come from?
Sexual fantasies are in direct contact with our psyche and therefore have such power of arousal. They represent the fulfilment of subconscious desires, more or less distorted by defensive psychic processes. The subconscious desire being expressed is therefore often unrecognisable. In order to understand the meaning of a fantasy, you need to undertake psychoanalytical introspection.
Some people think that erotic fantasies are created from scenes seen or experienced during adolescence or later, undoubtedly true in some part. In fact, if an image or experience becomes the content of a fantasy for a certain person, it's because this representation expresses, in a distorted but satisfactory way, one of their subconscious desires.
3. Does everyone have erotic fantasies?
Erotic fantasies are a little like dreams. Everyone dreams, but the sleeper doesn’t always remember these dreams when he or she awakes. Everyone has an imagination, therefore everyone has fantasies. For some, these imagined scenes do not contain human genital sexuality, which leads them to believe that they are not sexual fantasies. Their desire is expressed through scenes where feelings and human relationships are predominant.
4. Should you tell your partner about your fantasies?
Having to ask the question already shows that the answer is not easy... Telling your partner about your past and your family is obvious... telling them about your fantasies is something else. Our fantasies come from the most intimate part of our being, revealing them means baring our souls about something that we don't always understand ourselves. We may talk about fantasies to feel closer to the other person. Or want to hear our partner’s fantasies to get to know them better. But as the meaning of fantasies is difficult to access, it can result in incomprehension and embarrassment. Unless, of course, you share the same fantasies. But nothing could be less certain! Telling your partner is a personal decision; each person aware of their limits and their partner’s limits.
5. Should you indulge in your sexual fantasies?
Here again, there is no blanket answer. Each person, according to his or her own issues, will have their own relationship with this part of themselves.
- You’ve never thought about it and indulging in your fantasies seems impossible. Given your modesty and your fantasies themselves, you don’t see the point. Your sexuality is enough for you and if there are any problems, you look for a solution elsewhere. And you’re right to do so. For you, fantasies only have place in your imaginary world, and there's no reason to change that fact;
- You have thought about it but are not sure of the result. Will you be aroused? Will your partner enjoy the experience? Not sure? Then it’s important to talk about it together first. Your hesitation is likely due to feelings you have but which you can’t identify. Trust your intuition. Fantasies can’t be taken lightly;
- You have already indulged in your fantasies and you are happy with the result. So in theory, you've answered your own question. But if you are still asking yourself this question it means that fulfilling your fantasies has perhaps not only brought pleasure, but pleasure mixed with unease. Take the time to think about it.
6. Are fantasies culture specific?
Surveys on fantasies indicated that they are based on images from our time and civilisation. No study has yet been carried out to research the reasons for fantasies over and above this. Are all fantasy-related issues the same for humanity as a whole?
7. And if you are fantasising about someone else other than your current partner?
There is never reason to worry about a fantasy, but incomprehension is often a source of fear. Fantasy is the distorted realisation of a subconscious desire. Because of this distortion, it is often impossible to grasp the real meaning of a fantasy at first sight. What is more, one type of fantasy can mean different things to different people. So if you dream of being in the arms of another while having sex with someone else, that most likely means something to you, without necessarily meaning you actually want to be with that person! The man or woman you are with in real life is the person you have chosen to be with! If your fantasy disturbs you more than arouses you, see a therapist to talk about it.
8. Some fantasies stray from what we imagine to be our aspirations: rape, submission... Why such a gap between reality and fantasy?
We don’t know ourselves as well as we’d like to believe. Freud, with the discovery of psychoanalysis, has enabled us to glimpse into a world we know little of: our subconscious, psyche unknown to our conscious state. Through our fantasies, our varyingly distorted and repressed desires are expressed. They are rooted in the complex setting of our childhood experiences and the processes that led to forming our personalities.
The monumental gap that can exist between our conscious desires and those hidden behind our fantasies is not surprising. If these desires have been repressed it's because they are incompatible with the way we see ourselves. These fantasies appear because the barrier built so they don’t disturb our conscious lives is not completely sealed off but nevertheless sufficient to ensure that our subconscious desires confine themselves to the imaginary.
9. How can you get rid of a fantasy that's become an obsession, something you think about night and day?
This problem shouldn't be taken lightly. If your fantasy is disturbing your life and making you suffer, you need to take the time to explore it and understand its deeper meaning. Carrying out your fantasy can sometimes help to lessen its power, but the issue at stake won’t be resolved and could re-manifest itself in another disturbing form. Consult a psychotherapist/psychoanalyst. This specialist will help you to access what you are trying to subconsciously express through your fantasy and help to release you from its hold.
10. Some fantasies are very disturbing: paedophilia, sadistic scenarios, wanting to physically harm, etc... Should you be worried?
When one’s fantasies stray far from society standards, the person sees this as a sign of anomaly. Am I normal? Will I indulge in this act? The person doesn’t understand him or herself and takes care not to talk about it for fear of being rejected. In fact, these non-conforming fantasies are no different in their constitution than more harmless ones. They express subconscious desires more or less distorted by defensive processes. A person is no more likely of putting into action these fantasies than any other fantasies, but the situation is more dangerous. It is therefore necessary to consult a professional. With this specialist’s help, the individual will be able to access the deeper meanings of his or her fantasies. In other words link them to his or her history and psychic conflicts.
Posted 13.07.2010
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