Orgasm: women in pursuit of pleasure
You both want to make love; your partner is attentive and loving and your lovemaking exciting and enjoyable, but you can't achieve orgasm... The secret to fulfilled sexuality lies in understanding and accepting your body and sexuality.
© Jupiter
Women who can't reach orgasm describe a variety of feelings. Sometimes, the woman experiences an increase in desire but can never quite get there; it's like climbing a mountain but never reaching the summit; often a woman is very aroused by foreplay and feels that orgasm is very close but then becomes less aroused during penetration; her excitement diminishes and leaves her feeling empty.
Lack of orgasm leading to frustration?
In the beginning, neither of you is that concerned. You've got plenty of time and you still enjoy your lovemaking so you're happy to carry on without you reaching climax.
But as time goes on, your frustration sets in and grows; you start doubting yourself or your partner; you can feel guilty. Sex can become a disappointment, leaving you feeling dissatisfied; you may even decide that it's best avoided rather than risk feeling demoralised and disappointed again.
Things may only change when arguments about sex start to threaten the relationship; or when the woman decides that she doesn't want to "die not knowing how it feels" and faces up to the problem.
Discovering your body and orgasm
A good first step towards understanding your lack of orgasm is to explore the sensitivity of your clitoris. You can do this alone (you may feel less inhibited when you don't have to worry about your partner) or with your partner (if your partner is willing or you prefer not to do it yourself).
This will help you understand how you are best aroused: what movements (of hips), what positions, what pressure... You don't have to move your hand; you can keep it still and rub up against it, or against any other object, imagining that you are rubbing against your partner's penis or pubic bone (read our articles on masturbation).
Experimenting with your partner's body can also help you find what builds up your arouals: rubbing against your lover's thigh can feel very different to rubbing against their buttocks, or genitals, or stomach etc. Everyday events (bathing, showering) can also present us with opportunities for sexual experimentation. Take advantage of them and discover the best way to get aroused.
Different ways of reaching orgasm
- 25% per cent of western women have experienced non-penetrative orgasm. They successfully achieve orgasm either alone, or with a partner (kissing, caressing) but never during intercourse. The absence of orgasm during intercourse, in almost all cases, is due to the absence of pressure, or inadequate pressure, on the clitoris.
- 50% of western women receive sufficient clitoral stimulation (through manual pressure) to achieve orgasm during intercourse. In many cases, the partner stimulates the woman; however, a significant number of women are unable to achieve orgasm when stimulated (orally or manually) by someone else. In some cases, the movements required to arouse the woman are so precise and particular that only she is capable of pleasuring herself.
- The remaining 25% of women don't need manual stroking or touching in order to reach orgasm during penetration; they know how to become aroused; most often it's in the positions where the woman's clitoris rubs against her partner's pubic bone (as in the Andromaque position), helping her to reach orgasm. Other women play around with the contractions of the perineum and the muscles at the entrance to the vagina. They experiment by contracting their stomach muscles, moving their pelvis rhythmically and varying the pressure on different parts of the vagina (the cervix, the G spot); everyone has their own way and there is a huge amount of variation.
Know your body and what it can do
Intercourse can also be satisfying without orgasm. There are also many different ways of reaching orgasm and intercourse isn't necessarily the most pleasurable. To find out what works for you, you need to experiment, play around a little and be persistent.
After all, as the above information shows, for many women reaching orgasm during sex isn't always a given - and you are by no means alone. So be patient with yourself and above all, enjoy!
Copyright © 2010 Doctissimo
Posted 30.06.2010
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