Being the lover of a future mother
Even if the pregnancy was planned and you are both thrilled, it can play havoc with libidos – and not just hers. So how do men feel about sex during these nine months?
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Peter: Isn’t it dangerous for both the mum and the baby to have sex during pregnancy?
It all depends. In fact, if it’s a normal pregnancy and there are no problems or contra-indications, it’s quite the opposite. After all, your sexual relationship has been, and continues to be an important part of your life as a couple. Penetration can’t cause any harm and doesn’t disturb the baby. You will naturally find positions that are confortable and enjoyable for you both as her body changes over the nine months.
In certain cases, where there may be medical complications, the gynaecologist may recommend that the pregnant woman has a “complete rest” and abstain from sexual relations. If that’s the case, you’ll have to make do with cuddles and physical tenderness and forget about penetration (especially as the female orgasm can cause uterine contractions, especially during the later stages of pregnancy). But there are lots of different ways of enjoying each other!
Eric: I still want her as much as ever but she seems so fragile. I don’t know how to make love to her and I find it all a bit frightening …
Provided her stomach is not too big, you can carry your sexual relationship as usual but it’s probably best to not to try anything ‘new’. After a few months, she’ll start to get bigger and some of the more athletic positions will almost certainly become impossible.
But then you can go back to some of the gentler positions which don’t put pressure on her breasts, stomach or back: she can go on top; or on all fours (doggy position); you can both lie on your sides (spooning), with you behind her. It may not be as adventurous or raunchy as usual, but you should both still be able to get plenty of enjoyment. And don’t forget about non-penetrative sex – mouths and hands can do wonders!
Alan: I hardly recognize her; she used to be quite reserved sexually, but now she wants to make love all the time and comes on to me at every occasion.
There’s nothing strange about this! The second trimester is often a very enjoyable part of pregnancy, particularly after the first three, rather difficult months (nausea, tiredness, painful breasts). The second trimester pregnant woman often feels sexy and desirable; her breasts are larger but she’s not too heavy and she feels less tired … and her hormones have gone completely crazy, so she could be experiencing increased sexual urges. Enjoy it while it lasts!
Laurence: I just don’t get turned on by her since she’s been pregnant and the bigger she gets, the worse it gets.
Some men have real problems imagining their lover as a expectant mother. You might also be unsettled by you partner’s new, unfamiliar and rapidly changing body, or uncomfortable at the thought of your unborn child somehow unwittingly ‘participating’ in your sex. Some of these changes are very dramatic, it’s true, and can leave you feeling indifferent, even repelled. So how should you deal with it?
There’s no need to feel guilty, and in any case, you can’t pretend that you’re feeling sexually aroused. However, do be careful not to become distant from your partner otherwise she could suffer; become unhappy or start resenting you, depending on her reaction to your emotional chilliness. You should openly tell her about your difficulty in making love during the pregnancy, for whatever the reason: she’ll surely understand – and may even have similar feelings.
Try to continue being tender with her, cuddle her and stay close and who knows, your sexual desire may return. And even if it doesn’t, no problem; you can make up for lost time after the birth. Comfort yourself with the fact that 50% of couples stop having sex at some stage during the pregnancy.
Posted 17.03.2011
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