Staying lovers once baby has arrived…
After the birth of a baby, parents understandably focus the majority of their attention on their newborn. It is however important however not to neglect your relationship as a couple and as lovers.
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The birth of a baby heralds immense change in a couple’s life. All the more so when it’s the first child... and even for those who feel fully prepared for the new arrival. Going from 2 to 3 (or more!) within isn’t always easy. Adapting to a new schedule and the fatigue created by caring for a newborn doesn’t really play in favour of romance and sensuality.
The intimacy previously available – prelude to sex and either spontaneous or planned sexual adventure for a couple – isn’t always possible now that baby’s arrived. But don’t despair, in between nappies, feeds and burping, you can still manage to find time for just the two of you! Here’s some advice from Mélanie Schmidt-Ulmann, experienced doula and author.
Lovers as parents: don’t push it, listen to each other...
Sexual intercourse is not recommended after the actual birth for a certain amount of time, both for physical and psychological reasons. The birth process can be an extremely tiring one. Added to which, an episiotomy, C-section or simply the sometimes abundant bleeding after birth can significantly reduce sexual appetite. Hormones such as prolactin (breast milk producing hormone) don’t help either, often causing a drop in libido and increasing vaginal dryness.
"While there is no set period of abstinence, do expect to wait about a month after the baby is born before resuming relations," recommends doula Mélanie Schmidt-Ulmann, whose role is to accompany women before and after baby’s arrival. She also advises women to listen to their bodies rather than forcing themselves because of guilt when faced with a partner who wants sex.
A new mother’s needs are often fully satisfied by caring for her baby. The symbiotic relationship some mothers can have with their newborns can make the new father feel left out. So it’s often ‘see you later’ for wild nights under the duvet
A new father may also feel a lack in desire after baby is born. Some men only see their partner in her new role as a mother and no longer a lover. Parts of the body that were considered exclusively sexual (breasts and vagina) have now taken on a new dimension and can make some men confused and hesitant in this new situation.
Taking time to rediscover love
Getting back to active sex can be more difficult if relations were interrupted during the pregnancy for whatever reason. To start with, a new mother needs to reawaken her feminine, sensual, sexy side. Both partners need to pamper each other, by giving and receiving short hand or foot massages for example, or taking a bath together to recreate moments of intimacy – whatever works for you.
"Try as much as is reasonably possible to find time for each other,” insists Mélanie Schmidt-Ulmann, “even though baby will of course be your main focus”.
Most often it is those little spontaneous snippets of time together rather than scheduled ‘us’ time that help to recreate intimacy within a couple. In any case, it is something that needs to be worked on together.
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Copyright © 2010 Doctissimo
Posted 24.05.2011
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