Parents or lovers: finding the balance
The arrival of a baby can affect your libido and thus inadvertently make your partner feel unwanted. During pregnancy, but more generally once baby arrives, sexual desire often wanes... Exhausted and overwhelmed, sensuality and lovemaking can take a back seat.
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But be careful not to sacrifice your sex life to parenthood! Pre-parenting habits of taking time out for cuddles, massage and lovemaking can, if you’re not careful, metamorphose into a bland day-to-day routine of nappies, bottles and all-round tiredness and frustration.
Your sexuality during pregnancy
Pregnancy causes both physical and psychological changes. While some women find their sexual appetite increases tenfold thanks to pregnancy hormones, others find their changing body difficult to accept and lose confidence in their powers of seduction.
Despite several studies showing otherwise, some false ideas are well ingrained, such as sex at the end of pregnancy can provoke premature labour. Apart from women at high risk of premature labour, sex during pregnancy is not prohibited. In fact, some American* studies even go to say that an active sex life bears witness to a smooth pregnancy and could even have some protective properties vis-à-vis premature labour.
Rediscovering sensuality for a modified body and lifestyle
Once baby arrives home, several things can put a hold on your sexual and even emotional relationship. The fatigue related to pregnancy and caring for baby can mean you need more sleep than you do sessions of saucy under-the-covers acrobatics. Added to that, difficult nights punctuated by frequent bouts baby crying... and fear of waking the (finally) sleeping infant can also limit your sexual activity.
Some will also feel apprehensive after an episiotomy and the related pain in the perineal area. Don’t hesitate to speak to your doctor about your fears; they’ll be able to tell you if your worries are justified.
The weight gained during pregnancy can also make a woman feel low about herself and delay recommencing sexual activity. If a real weight problem exists, a diet and easing back into sport and exercise will help the new mother feel happier about her body.
And what about dad’s place?
The new mum and baby quickly take up everyone's attention. Friends and family huddle around the crib to catch a glance of the new baby and are full of admiration for the doting new mother. But what about the new dad’s role in all this? Faced with people’s relative disinterest, some new fathers may develop unconscious jealousy towards the new baby who is monopolising all the mother’s (and just about everyone else’s) love and attention.
In addtion, for a couple with several children, quality time for ‘just the two of you’ will have to find its place in a fully-booked agenda of shopping, homework, bedtime stories, afternoon snacks and birthday parties... Finding some time for the two of you (like a weekend away or a romantic meal at a restaurant) will help to rekindle that flame and let your partner know that he is still an very important feature in your life, that you just can't do without.
Put your relationship as lovers back in the limelight
The change from being lovers to the addition of a parenting role can affect a couple’s sex life. Some will find it difficult to make this transition from two lovebirds to fully-fledged parents with their previous sensuality in tact.
So that your sex life doesn’t take a permanent back seat, you will both need to find 'one-on-one' time, to explore each other and feel desire again. Open communication within your couple remains the key. Don’t let unvoiced feelings take over or you risk enduring a sexual ‘no-man’s land’ made up of frustration, resentment and routine.
Be reassured however, it is very rare for real, enduring sexual problems to appear when a new baby enters the family. It’s usually more a case of taking the time and making a little effort to rediscover the lovers hidden underneath the parent’s clothing.
* Obstetrics & Gynaecology, 20; 97, 2: 283-289
Copyright © 2009 Doctissimo
Posted 22.12.2010
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